What am I doing in this stupid, drafty castle? Why aren't I in Mom's basement at home!? WHY IS A GOAT NIBBLING MY RIDICULOUS CAPE!!!?!

Actually, the cape is pretty 1337. It makes me look like my WoW avatar. I think I'll go level up now.

And then I'll h4xx0r somebody's Myspace page for kicks.

((So I guess he's just a loser of the married-to-WoW variety. I don't know anything about WoW. This will be interesting.))

DAMN IT ALL!!!

See you, suckers!

THIS YEAR, I RESOLVE TO CRUSH MORE INFERIOR GOODY-GOODIES BENEATH MY HEEL THAN I'VE EVER CRUSHED BEFORE!!!!!

*stomping around the Daein keep*

STUPID FREAKING DARK GOD!

*stomp stomp stomp*

THIS IS HUMILIATING!

*stomp*

NOT TO MENTION AWKWARD!

*stomp stomp*

*gets stuck in the swa--oh, wait, there's no swamp here. Never mind.*

HOW DO YOU SUB-HUMANS CHANGE BACK TO NORMAL, ANYWAY?

EEEEWWWW, I WAS BEING NICE TO YOU MORONS EEEEEEWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

Isn't this a wonderful day? I always love to walk in the gardens when the sun shines like this. I wonder what my people are doing today?

My dad is such a bastard. He likes all my brothers better than me, so they always get the good stuff, and I'm stuck with crappy hand-me-downs. Like today, my oldest brother got a new sword. It's totally sweet, got great balance and stuff. I wanted to try it out, but he wouldn't even let me touch it. Jerkface. I'm a better swordsman, anyway, but I have to use the shit weapons that nobody else wants. It's so unfair! I'll kill 'em all someday, that'll teach 'em.

[Voice]
YOU HEAR THAT, FUCKWADS? I'LL GET YOU ALL SOMEDAY! I HATE YOU!!!!
*slams door*
*turns Linkin Park up really loud*

Can't you guys bloody can it once in a while? Sheesh. You've all got as much tact as I do!!!!

Well, I guess I should be happy, 'cause you're all making mayhem FOR me! MWAHAHAA!!!!!!!!!

[Filtered to Seeker, you bear-kidnapper you]
Now listen, and listen good, sub-human. You've got, oh, I'll be generous and say a WEEK to get my bear back to me before my LEGIONS OF EVIL descend upon you! [the Legions in question currently consist of an ill-tempered nanny goat and that guy who goes "WHEEEE!" all the time, plus some rats, but Seeker can't know that.]

Yeesh, are you guys PATHETIC. You think you're all so freaking special, with your pity parties and your whinyness and your HORRIBLE SEKRITZ OMG!!11!ONE1!!1 Well you know what? You're all a bunch of lame-ass whiny dumbfucks!! Get over yourselves!!!!

ESPECIALLY YOU, YOU MORON OTHER-IKE! QUIT BEING BLUBBERY ALL OVER THE PLACE! YOU'RE WORSE THAN THAT HALF-BREED WEIRDO!!!!!

Damn goody-goody types. Always wasting my time.

Why are you weirdos all doing these things? Whatever, I can play yout game, too.





EW. TANAS. NOT EVEN I LIKE YOU, YOU FAT, UGLY, FAT UGLY FREAK!!!

HAY LOOK, I CAN WRITE IN BIG TEXT AND TAKE UP TONS OF SPACE IN YOU GUYS'S MAGIC JOURNAL THINGIES!!!!!

[Filter:Seeker]
You tell me what you've done with Mr. Schnibbles RIGHT NOW, or I'll SMITE you!

It looks like I'm back in my own body, and I hadn't even managed to crumble the sub-human nation to bit yet. Rats.

Hey, why is all my stuff messed up!? BLASTED SUB-HUMAN, YOU'VE BEEN SNOOPING!! RRARAHJGRJH!!11!1one1!! Well, I hope some of those chicks slap you real hard!

I woke up today a traitorous crow sub-human. Interesting... *stalks about the halls of Kilvas, cackling evilly*

[elsewhere in the Kilvan barracks]
Bran knew something was wrong before he even opened his eyes, just by the smell. Bird laguz aren't exactly renowned for their olfactory senses, but even a common crow with a cold could tell that things smelled differently from Bran's usual perch. It stank of raven-musk and old feather sheath, like no one had bothered to clean since the last inspection came through, and even then had only swept things under the cots in a perfunctory fashion. It smelled of dust and discarded feathers from someone's out-of-season molt.

In short, it smelled like Korbin's end of the barracks.

Bran shot bolt upright, fully awake. There were the piles of discarded clothing and feathers, left by Korbin's idiot carelessness. In the middle was a small pile of marginally cleaner clothing, Korbin's nod to organization. With a sense of dread, bran reached up to touch his head.

Korbin's idiot hair. His idiot, pointlessly long, greenish-black ponytail... thing.

Bran thought his current nightmare (and surely it was a nightmare, right?) could not get any worse. Until he saw Captain Seeker, the Recently-Back-From-The-Dead-For-No-Apparent-Reason, slink by, looking sigificantly more... deranged than usual.

"Oh, hell."

Did you all have a nice holiday season, pathetic worms!? I decided to be merciful this year and not smite you all while your guard was down. I hope you appreciate it, cause I won't do it again! Mwahahaha!
This has nothing to do with the fact that I got drunk and fell asleep, hu-uh, no way.

So, you silly hero types thought you could kill me, huh? Well, you were WRONG! Actually, you were right, but I am now BACK FROM THE DEAD, so it doesn't really matter.

Tremble in fear, pitiful enemies! I have a shiny new plan for world domination, and no one, but no one, will be able to stop me!!!!

MWAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!1!eleventy!

Also, I am now hiring new evil minions. Contact me if you're interested.